Don't Be a Poker Brat

So last night I went out to play cards. I've been working on improving my bankroll lately and have been doing a good job of it. There are a few table games that have proven profitable for me in the past and I usually do well at limit and no limit texas holdem. Our local casino has $4/$8 limit hold 'em and $2/$5 no limit. Sometimes they hold a $4/$8/$12 half and half limit game as well. I've come to love that game. The $12 river bets really help to build a pot and thereby build a bankroll!

Anyway, last night I head upstairs and get on the $4/$8 list. While I'm waiting I play a little 4 card poker and some of the Texas Hold'em table games. Then I'm called to my seat. On my left there's a player missing from the game. He's got two buttons in front of him so I know he's been gone for a little while. Then they announce over the loud speaker that the second round of the 3 card poker tournament will have registration open for another 10 minutes. I play one more hand of Hold'em, leave my chips on the table, and run downstairs.

I love tournaments. Any kind of tournament is good for me! I enjoy the strategy. I'm not much of a 3 card poker player. It's a table game and, on a whole, I'm not a big fan of table games. I have a rather conservative approach to these games, and only play when I feel like I have a strategy that wins over the long term. On a side note, I also like to play blackjack tournaments. I never play blackjack, but a tournament is just a different game. We sit down. Quickly 2 players get knocked out of my table. Then another leaves. Finally, I'm head's up with one last player. She has me out chipped 2 to 1 and there are 5 hands left. (In case you are unfamiliar with these tournaments. The idea is to have more chips than anyone else at the table by the time the last hand completes because one player from each table advances to the next round.) So, I push my bet at this point. I pop $100 on the Pair Plus and $50 on the ante. I spike a straight and roll in the dough. Now I'm the chip leader at my table. Sitting comfortably, I post min bets the rest of the way. My opponent does not "out-luck" me and I advance to the semifinals.

I had a fast dealer so we finished ahead of some of the other tables. My mom (who's never played a hand of 3 card poker in her life) is still playing at her table. Having about 1.5 hours before the semifinals play, I head back upstairs to get back to my stack in the limit game. The guy on my left is still not back. I'm hearing reports from other players around the table that he plays a hand and leaves. Mom comes upstairs and tells me that she won her way into the semifinals! Can you believe it? Never played 3 Card Poker before and she wins the first round. She actually wildcarded into the semifinals. In addition to the chip leader at each table the two chip leaders of the rest of the contestants advanced. She was one of those chip leaders.

She tells me how this one guy at her table had a monster chip lead and then put it all in for no reason and lost all his chips. DONKEY! The missing guy from my table comes back and I find out from her conversation with him, that HE IS THE DONKEY! He goes on to bitch and whine and complain, claiming that he's "the best poker player in the history of the world," and he can't understand why this is happening to him. My mom and I look at each other and conspicuously roll our eyes. He's like, "Yeah yeah, I know what you think, but I really am the best player in the world." And he goes on and on and on.

You see apparently he played in round 1 and couldn't get into the semi finals. Then he bought into round 2 and missed the semi finals because he donked himself out. Next, he leaves the table again to buy into round 3! He must think he's best player in the world, because he's just dumped $75 into a single tournament. A tournament that only cost me $25 to get into the semifinals. hahahaha.

After he leaves the table the rest of us were laughing at him for his bold claim that he's the best poker player in the world. He comes back, and the best poker player in the history of the world loses the rest of his money in this little podunk $4/$8 limit game! He leaves and everyone has a good time at his expense some more.

9:00pm rolls around and it's time for me to head down to the semifinals and Mr. Best Poker Player in the History of the World is at my table. ... oooh I'm so scared of his prowess... NOT. It gets down to the three of us and I keep waiting for the best poker play to make a move but he never does. He only bet the pair plus bet maybe twice. He never grew his stack and it seemed he was creating his own losing destiny, himself. Ok, back to me. I'm playing against the other guy at my table who has me outchipped with 5 hands to go. Again, I push a bigger bet, luck-up, and chip up. Now I'm back to my min bets. On the last hand, I get nothing and fold. The dealer turns a straight. (I'm thrilled.) My opponent has a bigger straight and he out-chips me on the last hand. Ugh. I find out that I'm in the lead for a wildcard spot into the finals.

Mr. Best Poker Player in the History of the World comes in third with us and... well... you know.. loses again. He stands next to me and starts his whining again. "I feel like I could just drive my car into a brick wall at 200 mph"..."you just don't understand, I'm the best F%$^ing poker player in the history of the world"..."I should be going to Vegas and playing but I can't because I've got a business"... and on and on and on. So I say, "Yeah, well it just rolls that way sometimes. I'm gonna go watch them finish up since I'm in the lead for a wildcard spot." I walk AWAY to watch the last table finish their last five hands. And the guy FOLLOWS me over there! Geeze. Take a hint Buddy!

So he goes on. "I could beat that stupid Phil Gordon. And stupid Phil Laak."... And I'm not even going to repeat what he said about Jennifer Tilly. He was just a ripe jackass. Then he even said, "I'll play Phil Laak headsup my $1000 to his $100 anyday." What a moron. Phil Laak probably drops a $100 bill out his pocket and doesn't even notice it. Why on earth would he think that Phil Laak would want to prove his poker skills to some moron for $100? Just stupid. Admitedly he did have bad luck upstairs in the limit game, but his bitching and whining was way more than I wanted. And he would stop F(*&ing this and F%^&ing that. I wanted to send him to "manners" school so he could learn how to speak in public to a female stranger who doesn't really give a good GD what you're saying anyway.

So on the final hand of the last table, the short stack goes all in. She lucks-up and hits a hand and beats me out of the wild card spot by $200. So it wasn't meant to be for me to win a 3 card poker tournament last night. Anyway, between all the games I played I ended up about $100 ahead on the night. I even won a little more on the 4 card poker right before the semi final rounds.

If you've ever seen Mike Matasow or Phil Hellmuth on TV whining and complaining, they don't hold a candle to this guy. This guy may not have been the best poker player in the world but he sure was the best complainer in the world.

So what happened to Mr. Best F*&$ing Poker Player in the History of the Whole G$# D$#m World? ? ? ? Who cares? He lost at everything that I saw him play last night.

By the way, if you are "that" guy, I hope you learned from this post what a jackass you look like to others. Just shut it. The rest of us don't want to get dragged down by your bad attitude. And if you are losing so much even though you're the best in the world, there are two possibilities. 1: You're not the best; you actually suck at poker. or 2: You are creating your own crappy destiny by making poor decisions.